Tuesday, 2 July 2013

A week of Events and Non-Events

The main non event of the past week is that I failed to get a job I had an interview for. The fact I applied in the first place was rather a bold move, I knew I was not really suitable for the job and it, it transpired, was not really suitable for me, but as everyone keeps telling me, "it was an experience". It sure was. And one which I don't intend to repeat any time soon.

It was my first job interview in 17 years and my second interview full stop. In preparation I had purchased some 'lucky/unlucky' shoes  and a 'lucky/unlucky' top as well as doing all the other things one is supposed to do to prepare for such an encounter. I had researched their company, copied out bits of their website that I thought would be useful to remember, re-visited all the jobs I'd worked on so I had something to talk about, thought about the last film I'd watched (I had a weird feeling they might ask me this) but none of it mattered. I was so nervous by the time I arrived my mouth ceased to function properly. I felt like I couldn't speak and think I may even have been rocking in my chair at one point!  And they did ask me "what was the last film you watched?'. Bearing in mind I haven't been to the cinema in some time, since I have been raising a human life (didn't they read my application form ? . . . . ), I thought I would say, should the question arise, 'Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy'. It was the last good film I saw at the cinema and the last one I saw at the wonderful Barbican. However, as soon as I sat down in the interview room/cell, the poster for this film was on the wall behind the interviewers head! I should have just walked out then. However, I didn't and the the interview trundled along for 20 minutes, though it felt A LOT longer, and when I left I prayed I didn't get the job. I was so mortified about the whole thing I never wanted to see anyone at that company ever again. Shudder.

So last week when I got the email of rejection although my ego was in a bit of a grump about it I didn't mind at all and part of me was a bit relieved. Not only does it mean I don't have to start brushing my hair again anytime soon but it also means I get to hang out a little bit longer with my favorite person in the world. My wonderful little boy.

We are in quite a nice routine at home finally. It took almost 10 months to get here but we made it, so part of me really didn't want to disrupt it unless completely necessary. I never tried to impose a routine on him as a baby as our lives weren't particularly structured and it seems to have paid off, he's got into his own little pattern of what suits him (touching wood). However, he starts nursery tomorrow for his first full day so who knows what spanner this may throw in our lovely works. Just one day a week for now, but it feels like a pretty big event, to me anyway.

After 13 months of being with my son all day, every day apart from 4, I think we both deserve some time apart. It will good for me to lie down in a dark room for a few hours once a week while he spends the day with other people. Maybe then he'll realise what a wonderful, kind, witty person I am  . . . Unlike what I have heard about London nurseries, it was very easy to get him a place at a Nursery in Colchester. I called them up, he went for a settling in morning and starts properly tomorrow. Very straight forward. It was the only place I looked at so might be rubbish but it didn't seem rubbish. Hopefully he will enjoy it and make some little friends. He should enjoy it, he's the only boy in his class!

Before he could join officially there was a lot of paperwork I had to fill in and it made me realise just how well I know this little chap. I had to write down his likes, dislikes, favorite foods, his comforters, how he communicates, everything basically. He is the closest person to me in the world without a doubt, and not having a bond with my own mother I now get for the first time in my life,  the whole 'mother and child' bonding thing. I would do anything for this child. Thinking about it, I have done a lot already. Given up my career, given up the wedding, moved out of London, suffered the indignity of childbirth, given up my right to go to the toilet when I need to, etc etc etc....

I look at him like he is a part of me, which he is, but I look at him like he is the best part of me. Having a child has made me think a lot about my own parents and my childhood and made me realise how shaped I am by my past. I have always said to my friends that you can't let your past hold you back and you can't blame your parents for your own failures, you always have to be moving forwards and responsible for your own mistakes, but now I'm not so sure things are as black and white as that. I have virtually zero confidence, I never have,  and now I know exactly why. I spent my childhood being undermined and can not remember being praised or encouraged ever. When I had my first driving lesson my Dad came out of the house and said to the instructor 'I don't know why you are bothering, she wont be able to do it'. And when I got my GCSE results I ran to the phonebox to phone my mum to tell her I had passed them all with Grades A-C (we weren't allowed to use the phone at home) "Are you sure you got the right results?" came the reply. I would say this was a joke but my mother is incapable of humour. This might go some way to explain the awful interview. Why was I so nervous? First and foremost, I didn't need the job, I wanted it because I miss working but I wasn't desperate for it. I had a great CV, a great employment history, loads of contacts but I was a gibbering wreck in person. A lack of confidence has blighted me my whole life. When you are told you can't do things why even bother trying? Considering my less than harmonious start in life I should be very proud of my achievements but still I'm not. However, I look at my son and I want him to have none of the hang ups and insecurities that have held me back and are clearly still holding me back. I never want him to feel like I feel. I want him to believe he can achieve whatever he wants. Most of all I want him to be happy, but I also want him to fulfill his potential of being the best he can be. He will probably be in danger of having the biggest head in the universe with the amount of praise I give him, but its such a beautiful head!  So even though, it will be hard tomorrow to leave him I know it will be a good thing for him. I want him to have experiences with other people not just me and to do things that I wouldn't do with him. They play with shaving foam at nursery, there's no way we are doing that here, not with our newly painted walls. They also have play paints which we don't yet, and after his settling in period last week (I cried, he didn't even realise I had left him for 2 hours) and I was presented with this (below). I think its the most wondrous painting I've ever seen, obvs.


And finally this weekend, while music lovers of the world focused their attentions on the most awesome musical event of the year, we visited yet another food and drink event in Castle Park. It was the annual 'Food and Drink' festival funnily enough and it was a super afternoon out but with nice toilets and some water zorbing neither of which you would have found at Glastonbury.

There was a £3.50 entry fee payable to some very gruff and officious people at the gate, which was pretty good value. It was packed out with every kind of food stall a greedy guts could hope for, delicious drinks, cooking demonstrations, music and with the sun making a rare appearance it was a lovely way to spend the afternoon.

The guy running this stall had the biggest queue in the whole place. Delicious lemonade for £2. Imagine how much profit he would have made?! Maybe I'll try and get a job with him, he must have made a fortune.


I spent weeks traveling around Mexico once but who knew the 
'World Best Mexican Chilli' was here all the time. I could have saved myself a lot of money and effort if I'd known.

Delights from Turkey



Guten Tag!


Extremely rare sausage tree native to Essex

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