Brown noise, according to some definitions, is a noise so awful that if you hear it, it causes such a reaction to the human body that you literally crap yourself. I have luckily never been unfortunate enough to experience this revolting phenomenon, although today I came pretty close. For when I alighted my train at Hackney Downs this morning to go to work ( yes, that's right, work), I made the fatal error of getting onto the carriage that was bursting with mud encrusted, wittering Scouts. Half term, yay . . . .
I reckon this motley bunch were between 10 and 12 years old as they were at the age that is impossible to pinpoint exactly. Some of them were large, lumbering and self conscious with fluffy top lips and some of them were tiny and high pitched. They were at the age where hormones can either make you or break you. But the noise was astounding. My journey from Hackney Downs to Liverpool street is only 10 minutes long but how they found the time to use so many words is beyond me. It was relentless, meaningless, painfully loud but on reflection, quite funny. By the end of the journey I didn't quite know whether I wanted to crap myself, get an ear transplant or spend the day following them around town on their excursion. They were mesmerizing in an unexplainable way.
Tubby Scout: " I'm going to have a KFC. It's finger lickin good".
Asian Scout: "You can't. You're not allowed".
Ginger Scout: " I can see the Gherkin!! That means we are nearly at Liverpool Street!!"
Tiny Scout: "There's a gherkin?? Where??!!"
Asian Scout: "It's a business centre idiot. It's full of lawyers".
Goofy Scout: "I've been in the gherkin".
Asian Scout: "Liar".
Tiny Scout: "Traffic lights!! Quick!! Take a picture!!"
Ginger Scout: "Its red. It needs to be green".
Tiny Scout: "It was green . . . it must have changed..."
Asian Scout: "I got an RAF symbol earlier".
Ginger Scout:"An RAF symbol?? Lets see!!"
Asian Scout: "No".
Ginger Scout:"Please! Let me take a picture of your picture".
Asian Scout: " No. It wont count. It wont look right and it wont be 2 dimensional".
Ginger Scout: " . . . "
Tubby Scout: "When we get to the London Dungeon, I'll get a jail sign and a dungeon sign".
Ginger Scout: "We're here! We're at Liverpool Street!!"
Tubby Scout: "Don't tell Charlie! Lets leave him on the train!"
Tiny Scout: "Are we in Manchester?"
Asian Scout: " No. We are in Liverpool Street, idiot".
And with that, they were off, leaving a trail of mud, half eaten apples and bleeding ear holes in their wake.
This link has nothing to do with scouts but my friend sent it to me today and it made me laugh: